for free

so what if i'm a loser?

that's almost the point.

i'm teaching myself how to breathe.

actually.

in.  out.

it sounds so simple until you stop

sit still

and listen to the inward draw.

the mean, mad thoughts fire up.

but i am choosing not to busy myself to silence them.

i am choosing to sit here and strive for no greater result.

i am teaching myself how to breathe without having to earn it first.




because the definitions for love and friendship and family and safety and belonging have always been contingent.  so much so that i can't seem to shake it.  even i am making me earn the gift of love. even i am making me earn my right to live another day.  and that's exactly what i'm trying to stop.



i just want to sit here

and to not worry

that if i never sell another painting again

people will stop loving me.

i want to sit here

and scribble in my diary

and not worry that people will go away

if i never write a book.

i want to sit here

and enjoy the way the light slices through these shitty blinds,

falls across my hands,

and reminds me of my mother's.

i want to sit here

and listen to music all afternoon

and all night long

and regard someone else's art with the esteem it deserves.



can't enjoyment be a worthy cause?

can't enjoyment be a purpose?  a pursuit?

can't i chase the end of my perfectionism

and finally learn how to just breathe?



i do not want any brass ring.

nor any golden carrot.

i want love and friendship and belonging

and i want it for free.

no resume.

no bribery.

just you.

just me.

Berlin

4”x6”

35mm

Angela Simione, 2014/18

a few days ago in Brooklyn

city bus

.



This time of night
every judgement sticks.
I am glad to be heading home.

I want to run around
with a pair of scissors in my hand.
I want to run as far as I can.

I want to see how far I can get without shoes, without socks,
without money, without good looks,
without good luck.

Here by the window,
the heater ticks against my ankle. 
It is the only part of my body that is warm.

I think to myself,
"I wanna end up knowing everything
and not get in trouble for any of it."


Rain, freckled across a windshield.


.