learning from my husband how to be married

i walk around all week
feeling sad
feeling bad about being sad
totally unable to corral it
to change the fact of it
to change the weight of it
so i try to change the face of it
try to present a Smiling Angela
rather than let the strain show.

somehow, i've started to believe that my on-going struggle with sadness is humiliating and something that i should be ashamed of, something i need to hide.
except here, i suppose.
this little land where i am king;
a single inhabitant, i reign supreme.
i don't have to smile here. i can let what is, be, rather than do what i do out in the greater landscape of my life-

muscles working
the kind we deny

heart muscles and spirit muscles
memory
love
synchronicity
anxiety
sadness

i look at my husband while he is sleeping and wonder how it is that he is here, in my care, safe and warm, readily dreaming, surrendered to this white bed, no shield, no life-vest.

perhaps i am the shield?
perhaps i am the life-vest?

he has been that and more this past week for me. and the truth of that shakes me, shatters so many things i tell myself about life and about the world; the biggest one being "i am alone."

he has watched me this week pull myself from sleep, put myself in the shower, pull on jeans and a sweater and socks and shoes. he has watched me walk out the front door and down to the bus-stop, dragging my feet, trying for grace and strength and brightness. back to work, i go. back to work, he goes. but some weeks are harder than others to do these things. he doesn't expect me to hide the struggle i am attending to and suddenly i become aware of one more place where i do not need to force a smile. it is safe to be sad in the land of my marriage. it isn't going to make him go away.

when we find each other again in the evening, we are two children excited to be having a sleep-over. secrets to share. secrets to keep. a warm bed and a safe roof. i try to remember these things when i think of the things and people i have lost. i try to see the treasures i have acquired. i look at his hands and his eyes. i look at the ring on his finger and feel my heart clench. i'm amazed by the fact of it- a sturdy gold, solid and thick. he's not going anywhere. not because i've chained him to me but because he's chosen to hitch his side to mine. i get to watch him sleep. i get to watch him wake up. these are amazing things. a grace and a beauty which, little by little, he shows me it is safe to lean into.