what to do now? what's it mean?

grating cheese and drinking
hard
listening to the neighbors in the basement
laughing their asses off
and Brian's in the kitchen sweating
and we're listening to Leonard Cohen
THIS is a goddamn THANKSFUCKINGGIVING
i look around and wonder
why is it i spend so many days
day after day
day after fucking day
day after fucking goddamn day
finding reasons to hate myself
when i have a life like this

what type of absolute bullshit is that?

i mean, really?
after all, my memory works
and i can make comparisons
to my own very sad past
and maybe i need to stop focusing so much on that
and look around instead
at what a goddamn good job i"ve done
at getting the shitstink off my hands
finding a good man
and learning to keep hold of a pen

cyndi lauper is next in the queue
and i know i"m one of the
fortunate ones too
happy banter
husband in the kitchen
friend to my right
my interior wine snob
finally has a chance to show off
it's a holiday after all
and here i have no mother
here i have no father
no obligatory table to show myself to
trusting
my brother and my sister are okay so

here we are

fucking new york
kelvin's wearing his
Bikini Kill hoodie
that he got at Brooklyn Steel
i give him my copy
of the diving bell and the butterfly
and we both fall speechless when i say
"this guy wrote this wealth of pages by blinking his left fucking eye...

...jesus christ...

how big of an asshole am i?